I’m supplying you with a quick summary of this story, so you can know if you’ll like it WITHOUT reading it and finding it out later…. so here’s my summary… Carmen, even as a child, somehow felt like she was different, and that she didn’t belong.But the confusion didn’t last very long. All due to a conversation at recess, believe it or not. It revealed her secret and the reasons behind her odd feelings and struggles.It was only revealed to her, no one else knew. Carmen finds out she’s a lesbian. Carmen decides to keep it a secret. Forever. She becomes paranoid that someone will find out….Especailly when she accidentally becomes the queen bee of the school and is always surrounded by people…… This story is about her journey, in her point of view. It starts at the beginning of her childhood and ends in her high school years. ~Now if you have no interest in reading this story,you don’t have to, you can close this post and go on with living your life. I won’t be offended. If you want to read it, feel free to move on, and I hope you enjoy!
Even in the beginning, I had a feeling I was somehow different. I told my mom that I felt like I was weird and unwelcomed. I told her I didn’t feel I belonged. She didn’t understand. I had lots of friends, lots of toys, I had great clothes, nice teachers, and parents who spoiled me rotten. Why would I feel this way? She just couldn’t grasp the concept. It was like I had been speaking some Alien language.
To her, my world had to be like every other kid’s around my age. The cookie-cutter one in books for adults and children alike. A child’s world is portrayed as care-free, an open door, a discovery, a place full of wonder, happiness, and a playground. The thing is not all children get the cookie-cutter world. I wasn’t the only unhappy child out there. My mom had no idea how lost I was, and never did.
After the second time I told her about my issue, she starting taking me to a shrink. I remember the shrink as a man that sported a face that clearly and utterly resembled a rotten potato. It was sunken in certain spots, peeling, ugly, tan but dark in spots, seemingly lumpy, and spotty. I was still really young at the time, maybe seven or eight possibly, but I never forgot his rotten potato face.
My mom ended up giving up on a shrink for me. He, and the five after him, couldn’t figure out what was wrong was anymore that I could.
In second grade, a new girl moved to my school named Lindsey. Lindsey and I became friends fast.
One afternoon, as we played at my house, she asked me if I had a crush on anyone in our class. Lindsey had devolved a crush on a boy in our class named Jake.She figured I had to have a crush on a boy too. I told her I had a crush on Vicky, a pretty girl that was in our class.
When I told Lindsey that, she threw the Barbie that she was playing with onto my bedroom floor with surprising force. “Hey Lindy, please don’t break-” She interrupted me speedily.”EWWWW CARMEN!!! That’s SO nasty!!! You have a CRUSH on HER?!?!EWWWWW!!!YOU LIKE GIRLS?!?!?” Lindsey ran out of the room in a flash, leaving me with an uneasy feeling, and a lot of Barbies.
I didn’t get it. Did she think Vicky was a big loser who would be gross to date? Why is it gross to like Vicky? And why is it bad to like girls? DIDN’T SHE???
After that day, Lindsey never spoke to me agian. She abandoned me for another girl named Jenny, who had a crush on a boy in our class too.
I still had lots of friends, however.I actually had an extremely large amount of friends. I’m pretty in an All-American Girl way, with stick-straight golden locks and big blue eyes. Pretty, I’ve noticed, can get you places in school. Even in elementary school. I had other things that reeled in friends: funny jokes, lots of toys, pretty clothes, a mom who spoiled everyone rotten when they came over to play,cool games made up, fun birthday parties, and a good personality.
The first time I had a huge crush on someone was in fourth grade. Her name was Marcelene Travis, otherwise known as Marcy. Marcy was in the other fourth grade class.She had ponytailed wavy dark brown hair, big brown eyes, and black plastic framed rectangular glasses with rhinestones on the sides and upper corners. I liked how the glasses glittered as she moved. I found myself staring at her often.
On the playground one Friday, I approached her and we quickly became friends, the kind of quick that only happened in elementary school. We played on the playground together almost everyday, and Marcy played at my house too.
The afternoon my clueless world was shattered was set on the school playground. Marcy had been playing with another friend of hers and I was staring when I heard a voice behind me. I turned to see the speaker. The owner of the voice belonged to a fifth grade boy. What was the boy doing talking to me? I had only seen him on the playground, but he had never talked to me. He only talked to his fifth grade friends. All of the grades never mixed. He looked at me, a knowing smile on his face.
“Hey little girl!”, He said with a sneer. I was a bit intimidated by this older boy, but I held my ground. Nowadays I know that I have a skill for that.It’easy for me to act brave and grounded on the outside.”What do you want? I” I tossed right back at him,”SO, little girl….”he said slowly before getting interrupted by me.”My name is Carmen.!”, “Ok….so Carmen, who were you staring at when I got here?”,” I was LOOKING at my friend Marcy!”” And why were you LOOKING at your friend Marcy?””It’s a SECRET and NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS!!” I spat at him. “Do you have a crush on Marcy?” He inquired . “Maybe. ” I said. I had meant to sound tough and indifferent. But instead I sounded defensive and startled. So he obviously knew the answer. He laughed a sickening laugh and screeched,” You’re a fucking freak, little girl! A lesbian peice of trash! Stay away from me you lesbian freak!” He ran away. He looked at me in horror, or at least at the time I thought was horror. Now I recognized it as disgust. I felt like I did something wrong, or more likely there was something wrong with me.
I came home from school that day and searched out for my mother, who at the time was only beginning to show her true colors.
I found her on drinking expensive wine on the couch while petting the late Posh Princess, a pure bred miniature poodle. Mother always accessorized Posh Princess, that day she was wearing pink bows with lace in her hair, a tiara with pink lace, and a delicate pink dress with white lace, not to mention her pearl necklace with lace. As I approached, Post Princess gave me the deadly beady poodle death stare. I never understood her problem with me. Although mother spoiled me rotten, the damn poodle was spoiled even more.
My mom sipped leisurely out of her crystal cut wine glass and looked up with a half smile. “Welcome home my love! You look so sad! What’s wrong? Is it a ‘girl’ thing?! Don’t worry. Your dad isn’t home yet. Is it about a boy?” She looked so concerned, I wanted to tell her the whole story,but something in me told me I shouldn’t.
I looked at my mom, her blonde hair shining under the light like mine does,her careless yet graceful pose on our couch. “Mom, was does lesbian mean?”,was all I could manage to say. I felt like I needed to brace myself for what would come out of her mouth next. “A lesbian means a girl who, for some freakish reason,likes girls, I mean like as more than a friend. I’m sorry if I confused you sweetie. A lesbian would never have a crush on a boy. Or date a boy. Or even think of it. A lot of people find it repulsive, and to be honest I do too. Why do you ask? Did one of your friends say that they are? One of your teachers?”
I nearly crumbled emotionally and physically on the spot if it weren’t for me controlling myself. My throat felt a lump beginning to arise and I didn’t know if it was forming because of coming hysterical tears or coming vomit. Athough, I did know I was quickly loosing my self control and ability to talk and soon they would both leave me to rot. I managed to get out “No, but I heard a fifth grade boy say it, and I wanted to know what it meant. Thanks mom for telling me.”
I could barely control my speed as I climbed up the stairs on my way to my room.When I flopped onto my bed, I reflected on what had just happened. Mom automatically assumed that the conversation was brought up because someone else in my life is lesbian.She also said that lesbians are considered repulsive to some people, including her.
I knew then I could never tell my own mother that I was lesbian. I decided to hide it from everyone else around me too. I felt safer keeping my secret blanketed.
That day was the first day of After. The day before was the last day of Beginning. I named them these names because they are so different, yet stuck being similar. Not to mention, the sense it makes, naming these two things as follows.
I read something online about some people calling a lesbian a rainbow.On a another site, I learned that lots of other lesbians hide their status. I learned also about gays,transsexuals,and bisexuals. They hide their status too, and also fit under the “rainbow” nickname. There are thousands of lesbians hiding their status, not just me. I guess I’m just another hidden rainbow….
Carmen Medley,just another hidden rainbow.Wow! It kind of has a nice ring to it! At least I think so, maybe I could ask others!Ha Ha! Yeah..NO! Just because I’m blonde, really blonde too,doesn’t mean I’m stupid. The worst part is, I made the cruel joke myself. Too bad I won’t be able to be lonely except for my jokes in the future.
Although I’m still a fourth grader, I know what high school will be like for me… Goldilocks was named for her hair for a reason. Just like the “Blonde High School Popularity Queen Stereotype” was named “BLONDE High School Popularity Queen Stereotype” for a reason. For decades it’s been fortold that if your pretty and blonde you’ll end up in the highest crowd of high school poplularity…..And I bet you’ll never guess who has a pretty face…AND stick-straight golden BLONDE locks….
TO BE CONTINUED…
IN PART 2…
~Quick one Sentence summary Of Part 2: PART 2 takes place 7 years later when Carmen is a sophomore in high school, and almost 16.~
HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYONE! And thank you so much for reading my blog Www.keelythecynicalrejectblog.wordpress.com. I hope you enjoyed this (portion) of a story, and that you’ll come back for more!