Goodbye, so long (The final poem in the messy net of poems about S.V)

Goodbye,

So long

It’s time for me to move on

But the goodbye was half-hearted

I still ache 

From when you departed

I tried so hard

To get you to forgive

Over 10 months later

You still won’t budge

This ain’t easy

It isn’t

Just a box recipe for fudge

And also

Nowhere near as sweet

And happying 

It hurts

That you won’t forgive

But the worst part isn’t that you can’t

Forgive and forget

The worst part is that I can’t

Forgive nor forget

I can’t forgive myself 

I can’t forget what I’ve done

Let alone forget you

Goodbye,
So long

I believe this time I mean it

But I always keep my promises

And this one 

I might not be able to keep

In truth

I couldn’t leave you be
Now a monster is all you can see

I just can’t let this be

Either

I need to let go

Of my naive hope

I need to cut away the strand

But I just can’t stop

Trying 

But

Goodbye,

So long

I need to move on

So please settle in the dust

I need gone 

No more gusts 

Of remembrance

Rubbing in what once was true

A time were you loved me

And wher I could of loved you

And where I could talk to you

I want no more of this

Why did we have kiss?

It brings in the dagger

And I need this gone

So please me in peace

Goodbye,

So long

I mean it!

But how is there supposed to be a goodbye

When the ghost of you

Haunts my mind

Where I dream of what used to be

Where I dream of you taking my apology 

I hurt you

But it wasn’t purposely 

I couldn’t help it

It was my medication

Bipolar shouldn’t be the automatic blame

But in case it was

But you never knew

At all…

The remains of me

In you

You blew

Away

Away

And away some more

I watched you turn me to dust 

I watched how I dissolved 

From your heart,

Mind,

And life.

But you remain in me

Leaving would be so kind

And your hurt

Is where I revoke

I don’t want your love

I just want my friend back

But I need to stop trying

It’s time to go on

Goodbye,
So long

You don’t even need to open your mouth

We pass in silence

And my gaze follows you like a shadow

As you walk by in the halls

This conflict I carry

Isn’t sweet like a berry

Like how it used to be

With us

Or what once was us

Is in ruins

 And I need to stop playing with them

And leave the graveyard

I need to throw this problem in a grave

I shouldn’t be stuck on this one stage

I should be moving on

But your still gone

Goodbye,

So long

I’m done waiting

But wait

I’m not

I’m caught

Waiting

Again

I was a beautiful swan

I’m your mind somehow

And then The beautiful swan

Drifted out of your mind…

Or did it really?

Can you still bring out the good memeroies?

Or I’m just the bad guy?

I want to find out!

Maybe if I wait long enough 

I’ll know

The day you forgive me

Will hopefully come

Not as quick

As flavor leaves gum

But it will come

I just need to wait

But why am I pining over someone

I don’t want to date?

So goodbye,

So long

I’m done

But first I need to know

Do you see good in me

Or do you just want to run?

Am I the monster under your bed?

Am I the monster you know is there

But cannot announce to everyone?

Am a just a villain,
Left from what could of been a fairytale?

I need to know

Before I go

But first I have to wait

So I’ll keep on

Waiting

Waiting for you

Goodbye,

So long

Why am I still waiting?!?!

Goodbye is easy to say

When you mean it

But I do mean it

Since it’s so easy to say

No struggle

No clenched throat

No muttering

I’m shouting loud and clear

But I’m still waiting for you to open your ear

To my apology

But it still sits ther all alone

Like me a good percentage of the time

The truth is I’m not ready

To move on

But I really need this mess gone

Goodbye

So long

This time I mean it

I’ve reached defeat

And it’s time for me to go see it

But I don’t have to go anywhere because it’s in my face

I’ve given up 

On my own accords

You said 

The defining factor

You slapped me with your words

Bu they’ve slapped me back in place

I asked you if you still

Remember good in me

Or if you only see a monster now

Your answer was 

“I don’t remember,

To answer your question.”

Goodbye…..

So long….

I know now

I mean it

This time it’s real

I’m done with the deal

I had internally

With waiting for you

So now

I’m done

That’s it

No more

No more 

No more

I’ll miss you

You were a pretty awesome guy

But now I’ve finally opened my eyes

And I see the light I missed

You were temporary 

But the boy I really love

Is a rock for me 

He’ll be there for me

Like you never could 

So I’m over with this all

The dominos have been knocked over

And now I stand tall

-ER

So goodbye,

So long

Steal no more from me

I’m walking away now

And now I know you won’t follow

So now I can 

Go free

I know now that

 your Spector wasn’t meant to last

Like you

…..Now I do still think of you

But I’m still so free
So free of you

So this time I mean

This isn’t a quickly crashed wave

This is solid

Like you never were to me

This is unchanging

Like our old relationship could never be

And this is the last poem

I’ll write about you

This has been a long one-sided journey

And I’ve reached my destination.

Acceptance.

It’s been close to a year

Since the day that turned

Our friendship to shatters

But that landmark isn’t important anymore

I’ve always been pretty weak

But in that period,

I was so weak

It was painful

Now I’ve come out stronger

So I have one last thing I want to say to you.

Just one last thing,

And that is:

GOODBYE,

SO LONG.

I MEAN IT

THIS TIME.


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